Nothing ventured, nothing gained
Not to get too morbid here, but… this is what my dad said to me.. on his death bed. So long story short, right after graduating from college and moving to California, I found out my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Yes, the disease that has taken some of our faves like Patrick Swayze and Alex Trebek. Horrible disease, really hard to catch and by the time people do it’s usually stage 4. It’s a real doozie, and took my dad in 6 months.
So, yes. Lots of trauma. But that was 13 years ago, and a lot has changed. I’ve redesigned my life quite a few times since then, but one thing I do keep in mind was his advice and these words. We were laying at home, he had just left the hospital on hospice and we were watching the Phils game (2008- about to win the world series, no big deal). I was trying to be chill, but recognizing that my time with him was coming to a close, and I wanted to fill him in on my plans.
I was living in California and initially started working for Rainbow Sandals. I quickly went from having a fun job in the factory store to moving up to the corporate office which I thought would be sweet. Keep in mind my job criteria at the time was just a place where I didn’t have to wear a suit. Anyway, within two weeks of working in corporate I had grown to realize that I was not on this planet to spend 8 hours a day in an office to make one man more wealthy- I needed to be doing more. As a camp counselor at heart I decided to look into education. I found a masters program, and a school to work as an assistant and coach until I had my certificate and could plant roots with my own classroom.
I felt really proud of this shift. Being a teacher is a noble cause, and I would have my own space to design to fulfill my creative needs (and still not have to wear a suit). So, as we watched the Phillies, I told him about my plans to finish my masters and move back to Philly, get a job at a school like the one I went to and plant roots back here. I was shocked at his response. “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” That was it. I’m not gonna lie, I was a bit indignant, but it did make me pause, and pause again. And continually pause to question my choices.
Nothing ventured. Venture by definition is a risky or daring journey or undertaking. Was moving home daring or risky? Not so much. But I knew that’s what I needed to do at the time. I needed to be home to help take care of my mom, and make sure she was okay after my dad’s inevitable passing. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit the factor that my future husband had also moved back to Philly as well.. But I wasn’t that girl. I was moving home for noble reasons. But again- is noble, or what one should do how I really chose to make decisions? At the time. Yes, yes it was. And for a long time after that it was still my framework <<see all that talk about people pleasing I had been programmed to see as my value and worth>>.
When I look back at his advice, I realize it took me awhile to embody it, and to even understand it. The indignant part of me really questioned what venturing my dad had done in his life. He too lived “back home” near his family and my mom’s.. Buuuut he had also lived in Hawaii, and Texas, and North Carolina. He had owned a sail boat called the White Gorilla and talked about his days in Hawaii as the best days of his life. He had opened up his own private practice working as a cardiologist, an antidote to the fact that his parents had died of heart complications. And here I was.. choosing to settle and move back from paradise to do “the right” thing.
It took me some time, and I did end up becoming a teacher in a local school, but soon things began to change. Was it my Saturn return? Was it just a wake up call? One day I realized that I had no hobbies. My entire life was focused on my career. That was it. So, I began to pursue hobbies. Things I didn’t have to do, things I chose to do. I thought back about the things that brought me joy as a child and what these activities could look like as an adult.
This seeking out joy became a bigger and bigger part of my life. I realized what I really enjoy was a nice little mix of being a creative, and being a life long student. I loved redesigning my classroom, and helping my fellow teachers figure out how to rearrange their spaces to make it feel more homey and more welcoming. My joy was in talking to my friends and using what I had learned on my spiritual journey to help guide them through their challenging times- whether it be relationships, family issues, or even my new parent friends who needed some guidance with their children. And I loved it.
So here I am. Proudly venturing forth into this next chapter of my life. One where I get to combine my passions with my career. Where I get to take a risk and launch my own business. Who knows what the future will bring-ahem, United States Pluto Return scheduled for Feb. 22, 2022!!! But, whatever it is, I hope I learn something and maybe enjoy the ride. After all…nothing ventured, nothing gained. Thanks Dad. Love you.
